Do you ever feel like there’s a wall between you and your spouse?  

Maybe the wall is an issue that hasn’t been resolved, a betrayal of trust or just a lack of connection and attention over a long period of time.  

Whatever it was, in order for us to work through the problem and tear down the wall, we must focus on how the wall was built in the first place.  

Like many of you who live in a subdivision, our house is separated from our neighbors by cinderblock walls. As I look at these walls, I see how they are very much like the walls we build in marriage.  

How are these walls built? In a day? Not usually. They are built slowly and over time. They are built brick upon brick, layer upon layer until the barrier is built. That’s what walls are, a barrier meant to shut people out and protect what’s inside.  

In marriage, we do the same thing. Our spouse hurt us and instead of talking through the issue and forgiving, we self-protect by creating distance. We build a barrier a few bricks high. A few weeks later when we have a disagreement, we add a few bricks. And on and on it goes until the wall is ten feet high and it seems impossible to break apart or get through to each other.  

Whether you need to tear apart a fortress in your marriage or a wall just a few rows high, it is possible!  

Deconstructing a wall of any size is possible in the same manner it was built: brick by brick, layer by layer. As you identify each brick and work through each issue or problem it represents, slowly and over time the wall will come down.  

From there, it’s important for us to remember not to build those barriers between us and our spouse. I recently heard Michael Hyatt say on his Lead to Win Podcast, “Intimacy is just on the other side of conflict.”  

Do we want intimacy, or do we want a barrier? Sometimes we falsely believe that conflict with our spouse means our marriage isn’t good. A good marriage is not absent of conflict, but knows how to work through conflict. A weak marriage is one that never directly deals with conflict or deals with it in an unhealthy way, like building walls.   

So the next time we catch ourselves stacking bricks between us and our spouse, let’s put them down and work through the conflict instead. Intimacy and increased connection are waiting for us on the other side.